The exact words that keep you in control…plus why his confusion says more about him than you
Wondering how to respond when guy says “I don’t know what I want”? Suddenly, your brain’s hosting a full-blown Q&A session with no moderator in sight: What did I do wrong? Should I wait? Is he just scared of commitment? Am I wasting my time?
Cue the internal scream.
Knowing how to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want is crucial because this situation leaves you completely in the dark, insecure and with no clue what is actually going on in his mind. If you’ve been there wondering how to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s like being handed a puzzle with half the pieces missing, frustrating, confusing, and honestly? Kind of insulting.
Here’s the thing though: his confusion doesn’t have to become your chaos.
I’m going to share exactly how to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want, in a way that keeps you grounded, confident, and completely in control of your love life.
Because let’s be real: you deserve so much better than sitting around waiting for someone to figure out if you’re worth choosing.
How to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want: Understanding the Psychology
Before we dive into responses, let’s talk about why “I don’t know what I want” feels like such a gut punch.
When you hear those words, your nervous system immediately goes into overdrive. Why? Because uncertainty triggers our deepest fears about love:
- “Am I not good enough?”
- “Will I end up alone?”
- “What if I never find someone who’s sure about me?”
But here’s what I want you to understand: His confusion isn’t a reflection of your worth, it’s a reflection of where he is emotionally.
The women I work with often tell me they feel like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to be “perfect” enough to make him want to commit. But that’s exactly backwards.
When you’re operating from that anxious, people-pleasing energy, you’re actually making it harder for him to see you clearly and easier for him to stay confused.
How to Respond When Guy Says I Don’t Know What I Want: Decode What He Really Means
Let’s cut through the confusion and get real about what’s happening when a guy says this. Because despite what he claims, he absolutely knows what he wants…he just doesn’t want to say it directly.
When you’re trying to figure out how to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want, it helps to understand which type you’re dealing with.
Men typically fall into one of these categories:
Type 1: The Option Keeper
“I like what we have, but I want to see what else is out there.”
This guy enjoys your company and probably the physical intimacy, but he’s not ready to close the door on other possibilities. He’s essentially asking you to be his “maybe” while he explores his options.
Red flag alert: If he wanted to be with you exclusively, he would be. Period.
Type 2: The Emotionally Avoidant
“Things are getting too real, and that scares me.”
This is the guy who pulls away the moment things start feeling genuinely intimate. He might have attachment issues, fear of vulnerability, or simply be emotionally immature.
The confusion he’s expressing? It’s actually his nervous system’s way of protecting him from the “danger” of deep connection.
Type 3: The Hope-ful Waiter
“I like you, but not enough…maybe that will change?”
This man genuinely cares about you but doesn’t feel that spark or long-term compatibility. Instead of being honest (which would hurt in the short term but save you both time), he’s hoping his feelings will magically intensify.
Spoiler alert: They rarely do.
Type 4: The Genuinely Overwhelmed
“I’m dealing with major life stuff and can’t think clearly about relationships right now.”
This is the only category where his confusion might be legitimate, he’s going through a divorce, career crisis, family emergency, or major life transition that’s genuinely affecting his ability to make relationship decisions.
Here’s the key distinction: A man who’s temporarily overwhelmed but genuinely interested will give you context, a timeline, and reassurance. He won’t leave you hanging in limbo.
How to Respond When Guy Says “I Don’t Know What I Want”: The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
Before I give you the exact words to say, we need to address the most important part: your energy going into the conversation.
Most women approach this situation from a place of fear:
- Fear of losing him
- Fear of being alone
- Fear of having “wasted” time
But when you’re operating from fear, you’re essentially handing over your power and asking him to determine your worth.
Instead, I want you to recalibrate your approach entirely.
Ask yourself:
- “Why am I trying to convince someone to want me?”
- “What would it look like to trust that the right person wouldn’t leave me confused?”
- “How can I stay connected to my own desires instead of managing his uncertainty?”
This shift—from trying to manage his feelings to honoring your own needs—is where your power lies.
How to Respond When Guy Says I Don’t Know What I Want: Exact Words and Responses
Now, let’s get into the practical part. How to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want will depend on which type of guy you’re dealing with and how much investment you’ve already made.
The key to knowing how to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want is matching your response to his actual intentions, not his words.
Exact Words to Say When He Says “I Don’t Know What I Want” — Response Option 1: The Clarity Seeker
Use this when you sense genuine overwhelm and want to give him one chance to explain.
What to say: “I hear you. Can you help me understand what’s making you feel unsure? I’m looking for honesty, not perfection.”
Why this works: It invites authentic communication without pressuring him. You’re creating space for him to be real while showing you can handle difficult conversations.
Important: Only use this if he’s shown consistent effort and this confusion seems out of character. If he’s been wishy-washy from the start, skip to option 3.
Response Option 2: The Boundary Setter
Use this when you’re willing to give him space but need parameters.
What to say: “I appreciate your honesty. I’m not looking to pressure you, but I’m also not looking to be in limbo. Let’s take some space to think about what we both want, and we can reconnect in [specific timeframe] to see where we stand.”
Why this works: You’re respecting his need to process while protecting your own emotional well-being. You’re also creating a clear timeline instead of endless uncertainty.
The key: Stick to your timeline. Don’t check in, don’t hover, don’t try to “help” him figure it out.
Response Option 3: The Self-Respecter
Use this when you’re done with the confusion and ready to choose yourself.
What to say: “I respect your honesty, but I’m looking for someone who’s excited about building something real with me. I don’t wait around for clarity…I move toward it.”
Then: Walk away. And mean it.
Why this works: You’re showing that you value yourself too much to accept crumbs. This response either inspires him to get clear fast, or it frees you to find someone who already is.
Response Option 4: The Truth Detector
Use this when you suspect he’s being manipulative or dishonest.
What to say: “I think we both know this isn’t working. I wish you the best.”
Why this works: Sometimes the most powerful response is the shortest one. You’re not engaging in drama, explaining yourself, or trying to convince him. You’re simply stating reality and moving on.
The Science of Why This Approach Works
Here’s something fascinating: when you stop chasing clarity from him and start embodying confidence in yourself, you completely change the dynamic.
Men are naturally drawn to women who are grounded in their own worth. When you’re not anxiously waiting for his decision, when you’re not people-pleasing or trying to prove your value, you become magnetic in a way that desperation never could.
This isn’t about playing games or being manipulative, it’s about aligning your actions with your actual worth instead of your fears.
Think about it: Would you be confused about someone you were genuinely excited about? Would you need weeks or months to figure out if you wanted to be with someone who made you feel alive and happy?
Of course not. And neither would he, if you were truly his person.
What Happens After You Respond (And How to Handle It)
Once you’ve responded, one of three things will happen:
Scenario 1: He Gets Clear (Fast)
If your boundary-setting inspires him to suddenly know exactly what he wants, pay attention to whether this clarity feels authentic or reactive.
A man who was genuinely overwhelmed will come back with specifics: plans, timelines, and consistent action.
A man who was just being wishy-washy will offer vague promises and expect you to be grateful for breadcrumbs.
Scenario 2: He Asks for More Time
If he asks for more time, you get to decide if that works for you. But remember: someone who’s truly excited about you won’t need excessive amounts of time to figure it out.
Trust your gut. If his request for more time feels like stalling, it probably is.
Scenario 3: He Lets You Walk Away
This is actually the best-case scenario, even though it might not feel like it.
When a man lets you walk away without fighting for you, he’s giving you the clearest answer possible: you weren’t his priority.
And that’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s a gift. Now you’re free to find someone who doesn’t need to “figure out” if you’re amazing.
How to Respond When Guy Says I Don’t Know What I Want: Breaking the Pattern
If you find yourself repeatedly wondering how to respond when guy says I don’t know what I want, it might be time to look at the bigger picture.
Often, when we keep attracting emotionally unavailable or confused men, there are unconscious patterns at play:
- Attraction to potential over reality: Are you drawn to men based on who they could be rather than who they are right now?
- Fear of being “too much”: Do you dim your light or hide your needs to make yourself more “acceptable”?
- Scarcity mindset: Are you holding onto situations that aren’t serving you because you’re afraid better won’t come along?
The truth is, you attract what you’re aligned with, not necessarily what you want.
If you’re unconsciously comfortable with uncertainty, drama, or having to prove your worth, that’s what you’ll keep experiencing.
But when you recalibrate these patterns, embody genuine self-worth, align your actions with your true desires, and lead from a place of confidence rather than fear, everything changes.
Red Flags That Mean “Walk Away Now”
Sometimes the answer is crystal clear, and you don’t need to waste energy on thoughtful responses. Here are the red flags that mean it’s time to go:
🚩 It’s been months of “confusion” If he’s been unsure about you for more than 6-8 weeks, he’s not confused—he’s comfortable with the status quo.
🚩 His actions don’t match his words He says he’s “figuring things out” but continues to act like your boyfriend when it’s convenient for him.
🚩 He gets defensive when you ask for clarity A man who genuinely cares about you won’t get angry when you express your needs.
🚩 You feel like you’re auditioning for the role of girlfriend You’re constantly trying to prove your worth instead of him trying to prove his.
🚩 Your friends and family are concerned Sometimes outsiders can see what we can’t when we’re emotionally invested.
Healing Relationship Patterns That Keep You Stuck with Confused Men
If you’re tired of finding yourself in these situations, it might be time to look at the root cause.
Most of the women I work with discover that their attraction to emotionally unavailable men stems from deeper patterns:
- Childhood experiences that taught them love requires earning or waiting
- Attachment styles that make uncertainty feel familiar (even if it’s uncomfortable)
- Nervous system responses that mistake anxiety for chemistry
- Limiting beliefs about their worthiness of consistent, available love
Healing these patterns isn’t just about changing how you respond to one confused guy…it’s about transforming how you show up in love entirely.
When you do this work, you stop attracting situations where you need clever responses to manipulative behavior. Instead, you naturally magnetize partners who are clear, consistent, and excited about building something real with you.
Your Next Steps: Moving from Confusion to Clarity
If you’re currently dealing with a man who “doesn’t know what he wants,” here’s your action plan:
Step 1: Get honest about the pattern How long has this been going on? What evidence do you have that he’s genuinely interested versus just comfortable?
Step 2: Choose your response Based on the context and your gut instinct, pick the response that feels most aligned with your self-respect.
Step 3: Follow through Whatever you say, mean it. Don’t make ultimatums you won’t enforce or set boundaries you’ll immediately cross.
Step 4: Focus on yourself Regardless of what he does next, use this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with yourself.
Step 5: Trust the process Remember that the right person for you won’t leave you guessing about their intentions.
The Bottom Line
When a man says “I don’t know what I want,” he’s actually giving you valuable information, just not the information you think.
He’s telling you that right now, in this moment, you’re not his clear yes.
And honestly? That’s all you need to know.
You don’t need to fix it, figure it out, or wait around hoping he’ll change his mind.
You need to trust that somewhere out there is a man who won’t need to “figure out” if you’re incredible, because it will be obvious to him from day one.
That’s the kind of love you deserve. That’s the kind of love you’re worthy of. And that’s the kind of love that’s waiting for you when you stop settling for confusion.
Ready to Break Free from Confusing Dating Patterns?
If you’re tired of attracting men who can’t make up their minds about you, I created something that can help.
Inside, you’ll discover:
- The psychology behind why men act confused (and what it really means)
- Word-for-word scripts that keep you in control of any situation
- How to tell the difference between genuine overwhelm and manipulation
- The exact steps to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men
Stop analyzing his every move and start creating the clarity you deserve.
How to Respond When Guy Says “I Don’t Know What I Want”
May 29, 2025
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