How To Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

Struggling to move on? Let’s talk about how to stop obsessing over your ex with practical tips to break the cycle, heal emotionally, and regain control of your thoughts.

Whether your relationship lasted a decade, a few months, or just a handful of dates, moving on can be challenging. Time has passed—you’ve perhaps dated others, immersed yourself in work, travel, or self-care. You tell yourself you’re fine. But if you’re honest, something still lingers.

Maybe it was a painful breakup that shattered your trust. Perhaps you lost yourself in the relationship, bending over backward to keep it alive. Or you were blindsided when it ended, left to pick up the pieces of your self-worth. Maybe it was an unhealthy dynamic that drained you, yet part of you still holds on.

Even now, you might notice the ripple effects:

Struggling to fully trust or open your heart again.
Attracting the same type of emotionally unavailable partners.
Holding yourself back, afraid of repeating the past.
Deep down, wondering if love will ever fully choose you.

In my own experience, ending a long-term relationship took years, even though I knew it was no longer healthy. And if I’m honest, I still have moments that trigger me. I’ve caught myself wondering what he’s doing, checking to see if any mutual friends posted something that might give me a clue. Crazy, right?

But let’s be real—you’ve probably done something similar. Scrolling their social media, driving past their place, searching for some kind of reassurance or validation that you made the right decision.
Instead of closure, what do you get? An emotional rollercoaster of unpleasant feelings, followed by the exhausting process of re-regulating yourself back to normal.

Why Do We Obsess Over Our Ex or Past Relationships?

Before we learn how to stop obsessing over your ex, let’s figure out the why first. When we go through a breakup, our brains experience something eerily similar to withdrawal from addiction. Studies using fMRI scans have shown that romantic love activates the same dopamine pathways as substances like cocaine or nicotine. Your ex was literally your drug.

So when the relationship ends, your brain doesn’t just emotionally miss them—it chemically craves them. And what do we do when we’re craving something? We look for a hit—hence the social media stalking, the “accidental” drive-by, or the sudden urge to text them at 2 AM.

Here’s the kicker: every time you check their Instagram or wonder what they’re up to, you trigger dopamine anticipation—your brain expects a reward. But instead of satisfaction, what you often get is a stress response—a flood of cortisol (the stress hormone) when you see something that hurts, confuses, or triggers you.

And just like that, you’re on the breakup rollercoaster again:

Curiosity kicks in. Let me just check…
Anticipation builds. What if they miss me?
You see something upsetting. (They look fine without me?!)
Cortisol floods your system, triggering anxiety, sadness, or self-doubt.
You now have to regulate your emotions all over again.

Your brain remembers this cycle—so you’re more likely to do it again. It’s a literal feedback loop, which means it’s so easy to go back to obsessing over your ex.

Why Do We Want to Feel the Pain?

For many—including myself—there’s a deep, unconscious belief that I’m not enough or I’ll never find love again. Because of that, our subconscious minds seek out pain to validate what we already believe to be true.

So when you see your ex (or even the person you casually dated for a few months) moving on, it reinforces that narrative. It creates this twisted sense of certainty—because even though it hurts, at least it’s familiar.

Honestly, when I realized I was doing this, I thought, Damn, this is kind of messed up. But it also made sense.

On another level, revisiting the pain forces us to reprocess the breakup or ending—like we’re trying to double-check that we really made the right decision. It’s a survival instinct. Your brain wants to make sense of the loss, avoid repeating mistakes, and reassure you that you’re going to be okay.

Because fully letting go? That means stepping into the unknown. And that can feel even scarier than holding on.

How to Break the Cycle of Obsessing Over Your Ex

If you’re stuck in this loop of obsessing over your ex, here are a few tools I’ve used (and my clients now swear by) to finally break free:

Interrupt the Habit – The next time you reach for your phone to check their profile, pause. Ask yourself: What am I actually looking for right now?
Rewire the Reward System – Instead of scrolling, swap the habit with something that gives you an instant dopamine boost (a workout, a favorite song, calling a friend).
Go No Contact (Seriously!) – Every interaction with their social media is like reopening a wound. If possible, mute, block, or delete for your own peace of mind.
Love Recoding: Give Your Brain Closure – Since the brain craves a “complete story,” consider a process called Love Recoding. It’s designed to help you release past relationship wounds—whether from heartbreak, betrayal, or unhealthy patterns—so they no longer block you from love.

Love Recoding uses neuroscience-backed techniques and deep energetic work to rewrite your love story on a mental, emotional, physical, and energetic level—so you can finally stop looking back and start moving forward.

This process has been one of the key tools I’ve used to help me release and heal.

At the end of the day, this isn’t just about willpower or even time—it’s about understanding that your brain is wired to want that hit. But just like any addiction, the less you feed it, the weaker the craving becomes.

By doing the inner work, you free yourself from the addiction, the triggers, and the endless spiral of questioning your decision.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in your love life or thought you were over someone—only to find yourself spiraling again—you’re not alone. And you don’t have to stay in this cycle.

This is exactly why I offer Love Recoding—an intensive designed to help you release past relationship wounds, rewire your brain’s attachment patterns, and finally break free from the emotional loops that keep you stuck.

If that sounds like something you’d be interested in, let’s talk! I look forward to hearing about where you’re at in your journey and how I can help.

You may also be interested in some of my other blogs posts such as: Conflict In Dating: Is It Healthy?, Being Vulnerable In Love, or The Upside of a Breakup.